Control

A year ago I had recently given birth to my second child, just said goodbye to our first foster child, and was watching the national college football championship. To say that it was going to be emotional night was a bit of an understatement. On this night my oldest biological child had a seizure. The seizure stopped her from breathing, she was unresponsive. People often say after a tramic event that time seemed to stop, that is true, I could lay out every second of what happened. But what I wanted to share today was looking back to the seconds that I regretted.

She recovered, and has survived but it has come with some losses. What would’ve happened if she had passed away was playing in my head. Weeks after the event I was trying to imagine it from her perspective. I kept asking myself what if those were her last moments here on earth. She would’ve seen me screaming, sobbing, pleading, scared to death. The most desperation I have ever felt painted plainly across my face. How seeing her mama so terrified must’ve frightened her. I have regrets when I think of how scared I made her by my manorisms. I’m often saying that Jesus loves you and telling her about heaven. And I believe she’s smart enough to have put the two and two together, that I taught her about heaven being lovely and peaceful yet when she was inches away from it I was on the other side sobbing.

I had to realize that I have no control over her body. We did CPR, we administer oxygen, we have her on monitoring systems at home, and we give medications. But none of this will stop her from going to heaven when God calls her. What I have control over is my dependence on God when this is happening.

If she is going thru a life threating event I met her medical needs to the best of my ability. Then I get down on her level and do what I would want if I was dying. I tell her I love her, we are here, she is safe, Jesus loves her, He is here, and then I sing hymns to her because she loves music. I release wanting to control God’s work in her.

In our anxiety filled world we are just grasping to gain any form of control on our lives. No amount of distractions, addictions, OCD can gain us the control we long for. When we turn our need to control what is going on around us over to God we can live honestly. We can portray God and His mercy, how He gives us strength in our weakness to the unbeliever. Me showing my daughter the faith I have that Jesus will take her hand the second she leaves this world is discipling to her soul and encouraging her to lean on Him all the more.

How would releasing your control on the most challenging aspects of your live effect those arround you?   Imagine how much your live would change when you become fully dependent and trusting in Him. Thy will be done.