I was driving a 45 min commute to visit my first daughter in the NICU. I remember the state my mind was in, I remember the words I was crying to God. We had recieved one of my daughter’s diagnoses. One that caused her airway to be restricted – her life in immediate danger. One that increased her risk of childhood cancer by 400% – her life in distant danger. What could this baby, this newborn have done to deserve such a harsh reality?

So I kept asking: Why? Why her? She’s not strong enough. Why me? I’ve never parented any child, let alone one so fragile.  If you could just give me a glimpse Lord, show me how this can work for good. Because I can’t do this, I can’t carry this weight on my back if I don’t see any joy coming of this. I can’t ask her to fight if her life is nothing but suffering. Why didn’t we get the baby we prayed for? The one we pictured saying ‘mama’ and ‘dada’, taking her first steps down our hall.

After weeks of asking these dark questions to a seemingly cruel God I found myself in this car ride. Ugly crying, radio loud, and I’m sure just to make it more dramatic it was raining. I heard a voice that couldn’t possibly be my own. Because my thoughts were posion and grief-filled. I asked once more why me? And quickly shot back at me I heard ‘why not you?’ Instantly I was overwhelmed with peace. Where I once heard disqualifications as to why I can’t parent this child I now was hearing and seeing all the places in my heart that God had shaped and prepared just for this task. My train of thought was flipped from negatives about our situation to positives. Darkness parted in that moment of grace and I felt a call to step up to the plate and run the race set for me.

Not everyone’s depression or grief is so easily concurred. The races you may be asked to run could be more daunting. You could feel you were blind-sided, or your darkness hit quickly and was relentlessly charging you. Nothing leading up to this season could’ve prepared you. You think you are the definition of unqualified and can not flip a single one of your negatives to a positive. When your mind is flooded with reasons you can’t do this task before you the best way to fight that darkness is to look at God’s qualifications. Get that bible out, use your sword. His word is a living resume of how qualified HE IS to handle your why situation before you. Repeat and remind yourselves of His goodness, of His faithfulness.

In the Old Testament the Israelites are constantly putting up giant rocks and alters to remind themselves how qualified God was. I can picture them questioning “Why God?” as they wonder and stubble into an ancestors old alter, softly reminding them God is faithful. So when you find yourself questioning why and don’t see even a glimmer of light in your situation, look to our good God. Look at how He is revealed in the Bible. The same God who hung the stars is with you during this season and He is more than qualified to handle your darkness.