Unseen

Many moments of my life I haven’t just questioned why, but I have questioned God. It feels harsh to type that out, it is a vulnerable raw state of mind when doubts and questions are speaking louder than God’s truths. But I’m guessing that I’m not the only one in the world who deals with this. Some of my go to bible verses to cope with this struggle are Luke 10:38-42, we are met with the story of Mary and Martha. Mary is focused on Jesus and sits at His feet, hanging on every word He says. While Martha is serving, tending to all the meal prep and cleaning. She misses out on spending intimate time with the Lord. I look at that story and think ‘someone has to be preparing the house’ our reality has a lot of things that need tending to. Our seen world has dishes, laundry, bills, work, just an overwhelming amount of things that need us to address them. I knew great preachers touch on this Mary and Martha topic and couldn’t fully understand why Mary got such high praise for leaving her sister to do all the tasks. Until I took the time to dive in myself. I have two verses hanging on my living room wall that ended up refreshing and connecting this story to my soul.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ” 2 Corinthians 4:18 and “Set your mind on things above, not on things here on earth.” Colossians 3:2

I get so caught up in our day to day tasks and everything that is seen. Which can directly relate to when I battle grief. When something hard happens and I haven’t already laid down the foundational truths of God’s word in my heart, then questions and doubts have the power to creep in and stay. My head is driven by what I can see, I see a death of a friend and can’t grasp how they are gone. I don’t think any good can come of it because all I see is what is here, where he used to sit, places he used to go, suffering and longing of his family, where did he truely go to? I have found a difference in questions creeping in and questions staying. Upon doing my last bible study I found this quote from Angie Smith that puts it perfectly, “I don’t question God because I want to prove he doesn’t exist. I question because I want to rest in unshakable faith”. As long as those questions and doubts are being fearlessly addressed to build up your faith, you are reading God’s word, seeking wise counsel, and meeting in prayer, I think it is heathy. But once those doubts are settling in, and you are distracted and overwhelmed by what is seen which causes you to not have enough ‘time’ to address them, that becomes a place of danger. Our spiritual lives deserve our main attention, this unseen world around us has the power to bring peace and joy, He restore our souls. How self inflicting is it to not pay attention to the unseen and allow the seen to overcome us. It is hard to get into a pattern or habit of spiritual connection with God, honestly when I think I need to read the word but I see a sink full of dishes more often than not I’ll address the dishes first. So I’m still working too, that flesh and seen world overcomes me more than I’d like to admit. This week I’m challenging myself to look upwards, when I doubt, when I grieve, when I think my seen world has more importance than God. I’m going to be like Mary this week and hang on every word of Jesus and let whatever comes of my chores and to-do lists come. I’m protecting my heart from lingering doubts and fears, by filling my heart with God’s truth until it overflows.

Why?

I was driving a 45 min commute to visit my first daughter in the NICU. I remember the state my mind was in, I remember the words I was crying to God. We had recieved one of my daughter’s diagnoses. One that caused her airway to be restricted – her life in immediate danger. One that increased her risk of childhood cancer by 400% – her life in distant danger. What could this baby, this newborn have done to deserve such a harsh reality?

So I kept asking: Why? Why her? She’s not strong enough. Why me? I’ve never parented any child, let alone one so fragile. If you could just give me a glimpse Lord, show me how this can work for good. Because I can’t do this, I can’t carry this weight on my back if I don’t see any joy coming of this. I can’t ask her to fight if her life is nothing but suffering. Why didn’t we get the baby we prayed for? The one we pictured saying ‘mama’ and ‘dada’, taking her first steps down our hall.

After weeks of asking these dark questions to a seemingly cruel God I found myself in this car ride. Ugly crying, radio loud, and I’m sure just to make it more dramatic it was raining. I heard a voice that couldn’t possibly be my own. Because my thoughts were posion and grief-filled. I asked once more why me? And quickly shot back at me I heard ‘why not you?’ Instantly I was overwhelmed with peace. Where I once heard disqualifications as to why I can’t parent this child I now was hearing and seeing all the places in my heart that God had shaped and prepared just for this task. My train of thought was flipped from negatives about our situation to positives. Darkness parted in that moment of grace and I felt a call to step up to the plate and run the race set for me.

Not everyone’s depression or grief is so easily concurred. The races you may be asked to run could be more daunting. You could feel you were blind-sided, or your darkness hit quickly and was relentlessly charging you. Nothing leading up to this season could’ve prepared you. You think you are the definition of unqualified and can not flip a single one of your negatives to a positive. When your mind is flooded with reasons you can’t do this task before you the best way to fight that darkness is to look at God’s qualifications. Get that bible out, use your sword. His word is a living resume of how qualified HE IS to handle your why situation before you. Repeat and remind yourselves of His goodness, of His faithfulness.

In the Old Testament the Israelites are constantly putting up giant rocks and alters to remind themselves how qualified God was. I can picture them questioning “Why God?” as they wonder and stubble into an ancestors old alter, softly reminding them God is faithful. So when you find yourself questioning why and don’t see even a glimmer of light in your situation, look to our good God. Look at how He is revealed in the Bible. The same God who hung the stars is with you during this season and He is more than qualified to handle your darkness.

When the Picture isn’t Perfect

When I was 10 years old my parents would send me to bed at around 8:30. I used to think that they stayed up all night eating ice cream and having tons of fun while I was sitting in a room trying to fall asleep. My perfect picture of the adult life was far from the reality. I find that my pictures and my expectations of most areas of my life are far from what actually happens.

Motherhood is no exception, there are things that happen in parenting that are far from perfect. Miscarriages, unplanned pregnancies, infertility, disabilities, wayward children, single parenthood, death of a child, rebellion, the list is never ending. My oldest child spends the majority of her life in a hospital. Not quite the big happy family dinners where we all sit at the table and have sweet conversations about our days. It’s more like tube feeding our oldest while we throw some cheerios on a high chair for my youngest and eat whatever isn’t expired in our fridge, because we know the second we fill up our fridge with fresh fruits and veggies our oldest will get an unexpected sickness and we will be heading to the hospital and filling our fridge will go to waste.

Maybe you have been exactly where we are, or maybe you are in a season of longing for children as you continue to get invited to baby shower after baby shower. Maybe you are coping with the loss of a child, an unloving spouse, or a pregnancy at the simingly wrong time. People around you may seem to be having those perfect family dinners, let this thought free you from any jealousy or self pity that this season may be bringing you : I have never known anyone whose family planning has gone just as they pictured it.

I had to pause at this and let it really sink in when I first heard it. Looking at each of my friends’ and family members’ lives I could see where their lives fell short of the perfection they once longed for. I stopped looking so inwardly at where my life didn’t go as pictured and realized we are ALL broken because we live in a fallen world. This brokeness creates a need for a savior, Jesus Christ. It stems in us a dependence and hope in the perfection that is to come and the miraculous work of turning our messy lives into something good. It’s my hope to touch on the imperfections of parenting and how we can use God’s word and truths to free us from self-made barriers, and just be a voice that partners with you in these hardships and trials life throws.